The Mute Button

The other day, my therapist asked me, “why do you think you repressed your emotions?” I replied with, “I don't know...they were too much.”

This melody used to play in my head, whenever I wanted to disappear. It was subtle for the longest. Conversations continued on around me. People crossed my boundaries. Then, click, detached. It was automatic, really. It was so innate that it took me 27 years to understand what I was doing. Essentially, I blocked myself from the present, emotions and...life. I was in a void. It took me seeing this in another person to understand its repercussions.

I was talking to someone in their kitchen, then, bam, it happened. They were completely detached. Their energy left, interest in the conversation ceased and aura receded. I felt inconvenient -- Insignificant. Was it intentional? Probably not, but I still didn’t like the feeling. The person was still in the room, but emotionally they were gone. I was alone. At that moment, I knew that’s how others felt around me. Like I was emotionless. When in reality, I wasn’t. I was brimming with unprocessed emotions.