No Lines Were drawn

At home, there were no clear boundaries. In fact, I knew everything about my parents' relationship -- the good, bad and ugly. Believe me, they screamed loud enough for me and everyone in the house to hear. Even though their screaming matching were normal, there was one pivotal moment that made me completely lose my idea of boundaries.

About ten years ago, or maybe 12, I met my dad’s second family. Yes...second family. By the time I met my other siblings, my half-sister was ten -- the same age as my full brother. A group of us, which included me and my siblings, went to their house, and my mom talked, laughed and kiki’d-it-up with my dad’s mistress for hours.

I heared about my dad’s sex drive, how holidays worked and even about how they lived in one of my parents’ properties -- unknowingly to my mom. So many unfamiliar emotions came forward, but instead of acknowledging them, I pushed them down. I continued to do just that for years.

Allowing myself to have moments of emotional reflection never made sense to me. Instead, I suppressed anything that was similar to vulnerability, which allowed me to delude myself into thinking I didn’t need boundaries.

his destroyed my self-esteem. And, It gave others permission to treat me, however. The truth is: because I didn’t express my pain, hurt or joy, people, unintentionally and sometimes intentionally, pushed my boundaries. Years of trial and error, therapy and a friend calling me out on my bullshit taught me to feel my emotions -- to identify much needed boundaries.

For those reasons, I can proudly say, I’m still not completely healed, but I made progress today.